I am 45 and met my partner a
little over two years ago and within a year had sold my house so that we
could set up home together. That was 16 months ago. He has two boys, now
aged 7 and 10, who spend half their time with us - Mondays and Tuesdays at
our house, Wednesdays and Thursdays at their mum's, alternate weekends and
half of each holiday at each. It sounds complicated but generally works
comfortably. We get on well with their mum and her partner (female), live
close by which is very handy when we realise the judo kit (or whichever)
is at the other house and cooperate readily to deal with anything that
arises out of the blue. The divorce was settled fully and finally without
dissent and there are no maintenance payments involved because of the
equal sharing arrangement. My partner's family are all very friendly
towards me and my family have welcomed him with open arms.
I am not exaggerating, it really is as good as that, but it stills feels
so tough at times!
Thank goodness for BSWC. I joined in January this year after being very
distressed over Christmas and it has helped me enormously. I haven't yet
made a posting and may never do so, but being able to read the Forums has
put things into proper perspective. I have so much admiration for the long
suffering, yet sensible and compassionate contributors whose experiences I
have been sharing on the quiet.
My particular issues are based on the fact I had been a committed and
happy singleton for most of my adult life, with a house that I loved, many
good friends and a great social life. When we are having a bad patch I
miss all of that so very very much. Clearly, too, I have no direct
experience of parenting young boys or the give and take required in an
adult partnership. I am also a chronic insomniac and have been for nearly
30 years.
The boys and I got on well from day one, but they are very different
people from me. They take strongly after their mother and in many ways we
are poles apart. We went through some very unhappy months after we first
moved, particularly with the older one, but things seem to have settled
down quite happily. However, I will never be complacent on that front
because I have discovered things come out of the blue when least expected
and they always hurt so much. There we are, trying to ensure their time
with us is happy and fulfilled, then we are reminded some which way that
they would always prefer to be with their mother! Its natural, they're
children, its sometimes unintentional on their part, sometimes downright
malicious but it gets me every time and sometimes I don't copy very well.
That's what happened at Christmas amongst other things.
The Christmas episode forced me to recognise that I have been struggling
to cope, given the enormity of the change in my life and the specifically
debilitating effects of insomnia. As a result I have negotiated a six
months career break (working for the civil service has its advantages!)
and am already feeling a lot better.
Joining BSWC has been immeasurably valuable. I frankly had no idea just
how lucky we are. Now I do and that has helped me to properly appreciate
the very positive things that come with being in a step family with three
great guys. Goodness knows what the future holds, but I shall regularly
return to the BSWC for reference, knowing that I will always find wise
counsel, entertaining discourse and a real celebration of womanhood at its
best.
